Only a Brain Injury Could Make Me Draw Martin Amis

Well, perhaps that's an exaggeration. I mean, I don't think I have a brain injury, and look what I've gone and done – drawn a whack of cartoons of this silly man. Never mind that I also draw and write for kids. Yikes – I must have a brain injury!

For those not in the know, Martin Amis recently made some silly comments on a BBC book programme called Falks on Fiction. In a nutshell, here's what Amis said that's got some folks cheesed off:

People ask me if I ever thought of writing a children's book. I say, 'If I had a serious brain injury I might well write a children's book', but otherwise the idea of being conscious of who you're directing the story to is anathema to me, because, in my view, fiction is freedom and any restraints on that are intolerable. I would never write about someone that forced me to write at a lower register than what I can write.

I can see why folks in the kidlit world would be offended by this, but really, this isn't the first time Amis has spouted such idiocy, and it certainly won't be the last. That's what this lad is known for. He says something stupid, and then people pay attention to him. We should all just ignore this wanker and move on to more important stuff. Unless, of course, Amis' utter wankerness inspires some creative fun. So it got me thinking: Perhaps Mr. Amis just needs to 'get into' some classic kidlit characters in order to truly appreciate the beauty of children's literature:

Hmmm...The Cat in the Hat, perhaps?

No, I think Amis is more Grinch than Cat in the Hat.

I bet deep down inside, Martin Amis has always wanted to dress up like Madeline...

 

You can never go wrong when you go Moomin, Martin.

 
Would you let this Pigeon drive the bus?

I wonder if Amis has ever felt like a Wimpy Kid...

If only Amis was as Curious as George, then he'd make the effort to understand the fine art of creating children's literature.

 
If you found this Bear at the Paddington Station, would you take him home with you?

 
We all know Amis was a Wild Thing in his youth, but these days? Meh.

 
I think Mr. Amis needs to take some lessons from the sweet and lovely Lola of Charlie and Lola fame.

Would Amis have to be Mad as a Hatter to want to write for children?

 
Meh. Enough of this silliness. Tip your hat to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum and let's call it a day.

My sincere apologies to all the authors and illustrators who took part in my silly fun – it's only because I love your work so much that I chose you as part of my spoof.

Comments

[Roben]

Can't count the ways I love you lady. NICE!

[Steven Jensen]

Genius. :)

[kellye]

this is great! Saw it when Maud Newton tweeted it. Thanks!

[Kellybarnhill.wordpress.com]

You are now my new favorite human. And you provided me an opportunity to teach my six year old son the meaning of the word "odious". He agreed that "odious" was a good descriptor of our friend Mr. Amis, and then went and called his grandmother. "Martin Amis is an odious man," said my child. My mother agreed. And so did the rest of the world. And now today totally rules, so thank you.

[Nathalie]

I love it!! I love it, I love it, I love it!!

[Lucy Coats]

Utterly, fantabulously brilliant. You have made me laugh a lot. I came here via a comment from Steve Jensen at An Awfully Big Blog Adventure. Thank you SO much!

[patricia]

Thanks for the kind words, everyone. I really had a blast drawing these cartoons. And I suppose in some warped sort of way, I must than Mr. Amis!

[Meg Rosoff]

I love this! Have to share it with everyone I know.... And has everyone forgotten that Mr Amis also once said that he never reads books written by women? Bet that pisses off his novelist wife.

[Chorkie]

When I read your topic, I was immediately turned off. My reason - traumatic brain injury is something that I experienced firsthand via my daughter. I do not appreciate making a joke out of brain injury- I don't care who you are or how famous you are. I believe that there were other words you could have used. Sorry, I am not impressed.

[patricia]

Sorry you're offended, Chorkie, but if you'd read my entire post, you would understand that the heading of my post and the contents within is a sarcastic reaction to an original comment made by Martin Amis. If you're going to be offended by someone, I suggest you start with Mr. Amis.

[Bryony Pearce]

Excellent - art and sarcasm, two of my favourite things. Brilliant post. Although I'm sure Amis would point out that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit and therefore it's appropriate for a children's book writer to enjoy it!

[m]

I tried to read some martin amis once, it was so bad i couldn't go on - london fields i think it was. he's totally boring.

[Katherine Langrish]

Brilliant! Worth several thousand words on why Martin Amis is a grumpy old snob.

[Gretchen Galway]

You are awesome. Talented mockery is the best response to a puffed-up, humorless boob.

Thanks for making me laugh before 9am.

[Sara]

Hi there - have just linked to your post on my blog and wanted to clear with you snagging one of your illos to include. Keep up the good work!

[Planet Penny]

Terrific, loved it. Martin Amis is a very silly little man!
(signed The Mother of a YA Fiction Author!)

[sheree fitch]

Brilliant post! Thank you. Still, I just think poor man. He'll never know the bliss of serious intellectual joy. He's just not there yet. Pity!

[R J Keefe]

What fun! I have to go out and get me one of those brain injuries!

[JennyB]

Amis is a git. I have that on a very high authority.

[Beth]

Wonderful! Thank you for this post.

[Debbie Ridpath Ohi]

I'M SO GLAD I KNOW YOU.

:-)

[patricia]

Ditto, Debbie. Very much Ditto. :)

[Sandie Sing]

I bet he did not have a good childhood where he had the pleasure of being snuggled to a family member reading and sharing a picture book with him. Very sad.

[patricia]

I have been thinking the very same thing, Sandie! Somebody should give that ol' grump a hug.

[Arprods]

A great response to his dumb comments!